Eurovision song contest 2012

There's nothing like it – the Eurovision song context makes me weep with laughter. For those who take it all very seriously, then musically it's a little depressing. But if you like cheesy euro pop and view it as a bit of a comedy – then tune in, sit back and enjoy. I'm seriously considering hosting a Eurovision Song Contest party this year :)

Engelbert Humperdinck

Buranovskiye Babushki

It's due to take place on 26 May and this year's contest is looking like it will prove to be a corker. Not only have we, the good old UK, dug deep into our cultural heritage to pull out a 76 year old Engelbert Humperdinck, but Russia have dug even deeper and found the Buranovskiye Babushki, with their rather amusingly entitled track, 'Party for everybody' – which is surely not one to miss! I can hardly wait...

From the frying pan, into the fire...

A few days ago, in an act of rash kindness, I offered to cook for our evening meal. This seemed like it should be a straightforward exercise. Firstly, I found a sausage casserole recipe on the BBC Good Food website. Secondly, I nipped down to Sainbury's and purchased the necessary ingredients. Thirdly, I began the preparation. Now, when I cook, I like to have everything ready and to hand in order to ensure a smooth culinary experience. To this end I usually also follow the recipe to the letter.

On this occasion, on health grounds, I decided to depart from the instructions and instead of frying the sausages and bacon, to grill them. Everything seemed to be going so well. I began to gently fry the onions and garlic whilst the meat was grilling. Unfortunately, what I hadn't accounted for was the combined build-up of excessive fat in the grill pan. This fat eventually decided that it had had enough and began to smoke rather violently, causing the smoke alarm to trigger. As one does in such a circumstance, I began running around opening all the windows and doors. It was at this point that my wife rang the doorbell, loaded down with bags and children. It was also at this point that the fat decided to raise the stakes and burst into flames.

I threw open the front door and ran back to the oven, which by now had quite an impressive plume of flames spewing from the front and back of the over - some of which were at least two foot high. This rather shattered my calm cooking demeanour and I must confess that I was beginning to sweat. I turned off the gas and pulled out the grill pan, unfortunately this message of cessation wasn't passed along to the fat, which was burning away with not a little vigour. From the hallway, my wife decided this would be an appropriate time to point out that the smoke alarm was going off and to enquire as to what I was doing about it. I retorted, quite calmly I think, given the circumstances, that the oven was on fire. However, she didn't seem to grasp severity of the situation and began requesting that the battery be removed from the smoke alarm. I thought it best to defer this request and continue my efforts to put out the blaze. But what to do? All the gas was turned off, but the flames were still very much present. With the addition of numerous beads of sweat, any pretence of the situation being under control was rather lost.

Meanwhile, my two daughters were really rather excited by all the commotion. My wife, having finally understood that there was indeed a fire, attempted to control their enthusiasm and keep them safe. Feeling rather foolish, I began to try and blow out the flames. Perhaps not the best approach, but it was done in the heat of the moment. Thankfully the fat began to burn itself out and combined with my huffing and puffing the flames subsided. I was rather impressed with my wife's laid back approach to it all – I suspect this is because she never actually saw just how engulfing the flames had been.

The Sausage casserole itself was actually rather good. Although, note to self: Next time, empty the fat from the bacon before starting to grill the sausages. Also, if using Bart's Hot Chilli powder, only use half a teaspoon full as it was a little bit too hot, for when I was eating it I found myself sweating for the second time that night.

How to avoid conflict

In an article I am reading in preparation for a certain up-and-coming exam, I came across some proverbs from a variety of different cultures on conflict avoidance. Here's a small selection...*

• Of the thirty-six ways of handling a conflict situation, running away is the best. (China)
• Money softens a dispute like water softens clay. (Nigeria)
• A good silence is better than a bad dispute. (Russia)
• It is best to let an offence repeat itself three times. The first may be an accident, the second a mistake, only the third is likely to be intentional. (Kongo)
• All is never said. (Ibo)
• In playing chess, there is no infallible way of winning, but there is an infallible way of not losing – that is not to play chess. (China)
• If a quarrel gets too hot for you, pretend it is a game. (Hausa) 

* From A Scott Moreau, Gary R Corwin & Gary B McGee, Introducing World Mission: a Biblical, Historical and Practical Survey, (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 2004) 275; cited from Augsburger 1992, 223-35.

So sweet.

As my six year old daughter scaled my legs and jumped into my arms, she exclaimed, ‘You’re the best dad ever!’ This was after I’d spent most of the day writing an essay. Kids are so forgiving.

Women spend 3 hours re-doing partner's chores.

An article on The Telegraph website makes the above claim and then goes on to list a 'Top 20' of poorly performed jobs. These are obviously generalisations, but come on! Seriously?

1. Wipe worktops after washing up
If they don't look that bad why bother? Furthermore, many households use their dishcloths to do this which have been proven to harbour potentially dangerous levels of bacteria, due to being left around for too long etc. Therefore, it is highly likely that although it appears to make things cleaner, by using dirty cloths (they should be replenished daily) these women may in fact be spreading more dirt than they are cleaning up! If you're interested, apparently, we are advised to used disposable kitchen towels. 

2. Plumping cushions

Someone's only going to sit on them and flatten them. So the point is...? 

3. Straightening and flattening the duvet 

Just how many people's daily commute involves travelling through your bedroom? I can see the headlines now: SHOCK – The Neal's Duvet in Disarray!

4. Cleaning the oven 

Since we heat our food to the required to temperature to not only cook it, but also kill off any harmful bacteria, surely that same heat cleanses the oven? If we're talking about visible debris – it's not hurting anyone is it? And whose going to check inside your oven anyway? Okay, if it starts to burn, yeah, take it out – but that's okay because it's a manly thing. "Me man, me prevent fire – me hero."

5. Failing to plump pillows on the bed 

Oh please! See above comments concerning cushions.

6. Not straightening bottom bed sheet 

Unless someone does an impromptu inspection, the only people that are going to know about the state of your bottom sheet is you and your spouse (one would hope anyway!). It's when your man starts to straighten the sheets and puff the pillows that perhaps you should start to worry...

7. Not putting things into drawers tidily 

Words fail me. 

8. Not returning things to their rightful home 

Aha, but who is to decide where an item's proper place is? Perhaps the man has just decided that the place his dear partner uses for the 'thing' is not in fact suitable. He therefore chooses to re-home it, probably by keeping it in an more readily accessible place.

9. Not spacing out wet clothes whilst hanging drying 

It's all about efficiency. The more clothes you can get on a drier the better; he's just being frugal.

10. Not putting away wet dishes after washing up 

And why would you want to put away WET dishes?

11. Vacuuming in the middle of the room and not the edges 

There are different types of vacuuming. The full deep vacuum and then the 'Panic People Are Coming Round In 5 mins Vacuum'. Every vacuum doesn't have to be a deep clean - after all where do people tend to walk? Not many enter the house and then cling to the walls to spread their dirt there.

12. Ignores dirty mugs whilst washing up

Again, perhaps this is efficiency. I, myself, tend to re-use a single mug throughout the day - perhaps he hasn't finished with it...?

13. Separating darks from the lights when washing clothes

It's not always that black and white though... what do you do with the light greys and pastel colours...

14. Not pairing socks

But at least you don't end up with a sad sock because it's lost its other half.

15. Wearing shoes in the house after vacuuming

Isn't that what our guests do? You've just done your emergency vacuum, they come round and say, "Shall I take my shoes off?" And you reply, "Oh no, that's fine."

16. Leaves dirty washing on the floor next to the washing machine

It's damage control. In my experience the good lady of the house has got a master plan concerning when and how different loads are going to go in – it's practically a science. Unfortunately, not being educated in Washingology, I think the man humbly lays the garments down as close to the machine as he dare and is merely acknowledging the superior wisdom of his dear lady. Because, let's face it, if he stuffs his dark blue t-shirt into the load of whites, what's going to happen? So it could be seen as an act of thoughtfulness, care and damage control.

17. Doesn't shake clothes out when hanging them up 

Sorry, Washingology again.

18. Doesn't fold clothes before putting them away

Perhaps this is due to the specific and individual needs of each garment needing to be treated in a particular way. Get it wrong – you pay the price.

19. Doesn't decorate the bed with cushions when making it

Oh my life! Why would you do that anyway?

20. Loads the dishwasher incorrectly

Totally disagree. My duties include washing up and one quickly works out the most efficient way to use the available space in a dishwasher, ensuring the maximum amount of items are loaded, whilst allowing the washing arms to still rotate and thus everything to be cleaned. If this is not done, one ends up re-washing up. In fact, I am so passionate in my dislike for washing up, that I am the one who reloads the dishwasher after my wife has loaded it.

Now, I was going to compile a similar list of jobs that men find women don't complete satisfactorily. Unfortunately, I... erm... well... er, couldn't think of... Ahem. Let's not go there shall we!?!

Missed connections & email.

Having received Sophie Blackall's book, Missed Connections, I have been introduced to the whole concept of 'Missed connections'. This occurs when people see a stranger and realise that this could be The One. Unfortunately, as testified to by Sophie's book, a good number of folk don't take the opportunity to introduce themselves and later come to regret it. And so, not knowing the object of their affection's name, they resort to writing a missed connection advert, with the hope that their potential loved one will come across it. Confused? Just think, 'message in a bottle'.

But it's not only connections that get missed. It's no secret that physical mail gets lost, and ends up at the 'Dead Letter Office' or as Royal Mail now call it, the 'National Returns Centre'. According to an article by the Daily Mail on March 2011, Royal Mail send about 25 million letters annually 'to the shredder'. How many people have been waiting to hear about job interviews, but have never heard? How many people have been expecting a birthday card from someone important, but due to the mysteries of missed mail, took offence at not having received one? And how many romances have failed to blossom through lost love letters? The directions that lives take, the decisions people make, the assumptions, the anger, the hurt and all that, just from missed mail.

But who writes letters these days anyway? It's all about email, well, it is for those of us who don't use Facebook anyway! And this is my reason for writing. You see, I was waiting for an email and it didn't arrive. Well, actually it, did, but not until seven hours after it had been sent. And what do you do? Do you email again, saying, 'Did you get my email?' Tricky, because you don't want to appear rude or impatient etc. But if they didn't receive your email and you don't chase it up, then someone's going to lose out on something! How many opportunities have people missed out on because the sender thought the person they'd emailed wasn't interested in coming for an interview etc, when in fact the person never received the email? You can see, the scope for problems.

And as for where missing emails (assuming they're not just in your junk or spam folder), then where do they end up? Is there some crafty email thieves randomly stealing the occasional passing packet of data? Or is there a Dead Email Office somewhere, with huge servers dedicated to storing all our lost email? And they'd be some old Emailarian who could take you round and tell you how "This is one of our oldest ones – it's a real gem, it's been here since the dawn of email in the early 1970's..."

Anyway, back to my email problems, if you have emailed me and I haven't responded, then perhaps I've just been too busy (sorry), or perhaps I've just forgotten (sorry again), or perhaps it sitting in the Dead Email Office? Whatever the reason, here's my Missed Email advert to the world: 'Sorry I missed you, I didn't get your message. Won't you try again?'

I like this girl's style...

Sophie Blackall is an illustrator and I loved her stuff so much that I felt compelled to order her book. Check out her blog. There's a nice little video as well :)